Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
