your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
