my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
