I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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