i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
