yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
But theres a keg here and me gusta
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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