Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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