She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
