You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
