My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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