Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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