I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
