Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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