My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
