My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I smell stomach acid.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
