We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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