Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
