I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish i was in the wii world.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Randomize
