I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
