you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
