Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
