I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Houston, we have a squirter
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
