i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
