wanna go halves on a baby?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
