You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
