Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My ass is underappreciated
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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