My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
