It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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