I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
