If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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