In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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