Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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