Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
