But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
