I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
