He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
