Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I love you. Go after that dick
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
