You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
home. puking in laundry basket.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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