ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
