I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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