You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
