mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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