happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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