Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
