I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
