Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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