remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
