I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my shit smells like andre
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
