I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
