I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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