Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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