just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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