i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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