I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
