I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
