I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
