I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
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The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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