What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
