a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
