Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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